An intimate reflection on faith, the passage of time, and that invisible enemy that settles in without asking permission: unwanted loneliness, the horseman who does not appear in the Scriptures but marks our lives more strongly than war, hunger, or pestilence.
By Fernando Codina
HoyLunes – I have never been particularly religious; I was raised in a family that, according to one of my best friends, is a “nest of communists, socialists and masons.” I also went to a secular school, although I seem to recall that there were some optional religion classes for a couple of years, and my parents enrolled me in them. As for my first communion, I made it by pure miracle after following an accelerated course shortly before turning fourteen, and my sister at twelve.
I have always been a very restless person, but my wanderings and somewhat turbulent adolescence did not lead me towards religion, but towards experimentation, the occasional drunken night, one or two shy stolen kisses, exchanging the time of going to mass for acting wild in the empty lot with a group of friends, and the usual doses of onanism and unfulfilled desires. Over time, I have moderated myself in every aspect; I haven’t smoked in more than twenty years and it’s been about thirty since my last drunken night —but that doesn’t matter much to talk to you about the fifth horseman.
I have never read the Bible, neither the Old nor the New Testament, although I really like traditional religious movies such as “The Robe,” “Quo Vadis,” or “Barabbas.” However, one of my most recent and satisfying readings has been The Madman of God at the End of the World, which narrates an exciting journey of Pope Francis to the lands of the Tatars, where there are only fifteen hundred faithful, written by an unsurpassable Javier Cercás. Along the way, you get to know his surroundings, his assistants, a little of the Vatican’s inner workings, and a collection of things that give a much more human character to someone who was an exceptional pope.
I don’t usually go to mass, but it’s true that I enter churches when there is no ceremony, and I like to sit in the benches at the back, immersed in the dimness if possible, and think, reflecting on the things that worry me. And I can’t help but remember the scandal of a Midnight Mass in which the officiant was completely drunk and staggering. A couple of months ago we went to another mass, the first in years, in homage to a neighbor from our building, and since she was French it was held at the parish of San Luis de los Franceses. An elegant ceremony, well prepared, in two languages… Maybe I’ll go back one of these days.
So far, I have drawn more or less the image of a heretic who nevertheless is Christian from time to time. That wouldn’t be entirely accurate; I do believe there is a beyond, that karma exists, reincarnation, and hell —except that hell is here, on Earth. Just turn on the news to realize this.
But I have been thinking for several days about the Apocalypse: I need to watch the “The Omen” saga again; Christmas is approaching, time is catching up with me, and I don’t want to mix it with Harry Potter, which I watch every year. And I believe the Scriptures, from a human point of view, are wrong in that regard.
I leave you with a fragment from Wikipedia, and then I’ll continue talking about the fifth horseman.
“In the revelation of John of Patmos, the first horseman rides a white horse, carries a bow, and receives a crown as a figure of conquest, perhaps invoking pestilence, or the Antichrist. The second carries a sword and rides a red horse as creator of war, conflict, and struggle. The third, a merchant of food, rides a black horse symbolizing famine and carries the scales. The fourth and last horse is pale; it is ridden by Death, accompanied by Hades. They were given authority over one-fourth of the Earth, to kill with sword, hunger, and plague, and by the beasts of the Earth.”
Quite the friends, aren’t they? It’s inevitable to think of the Black Riders from The Lord of the Rings. But back to the point: hell is already on Earth, and we live in it. Conquest and pestilence, conflict and struggle, famine, death —we have our daily dose of all of that in the news, although we try not to pay too much attention to anything that disrupts our small dose of paradise. There are nations at war everywhere, and perhaps it is the Antichrist himself who has now come to power in the United States —something time will tell.
However, even though we live on a planet where evil and suffering exist, it depends on each of us, within our own sphere of action, whether we behave better or worse, whether we are good or bad —because that is the only
freedom we have: the freedom of choice. The four horsemen attack and surround us, but as in those classic John Ford movies, a powerful John Wayne can always appear to save the caravan surrounded by the Indians. A couple of nights ago we watched “The Alamo” again; it made me feel terrible to see him die —actors like him shouldn’t die, not even on screen. Never.
But let’s get to the point. Aside from those four horsemen we already know (the “Apocalypse of Saint John” is quite an interesting read), there exists a fifth horseman, the only one that truly worries me and against whom I have been fighting for a good part of my life. It takes hold of you, attacks when you least expect it, and makes everything lose its meaning.
And I am referring to unwanted loneliness. As you grow older, your ability to make new friends diminishes, and on top of that, you begin losing the ones you already had. Because it is very difficult to find a true friend —faithful, kind, loving, strong, someone with enough empathy to know that you are unwell with just a few words or by interpreting your silences.
In an increasingly aging society, and according to a study I read a few days ago in El País, loneliness has become one of the main problems for our elderly, especially after retirement. The empty days in a deserted home. The hours that refuse to pass. The TV playing in the background just to hear something other than deafening silence. Dozens of hours without uttering a single word. You go down to buy bread or a steak at the market just to talk to another human being. You sign up, if you can, for activities at a senior center to have company. But what about when you have a degenerative disease or limited mobility? What do you do if your legs fail you and you live in a building without an elevator? Or when your mental capacities begin to fade?
I’m lucky; I’ve managed to create a small group of virtual and real friends. For now, my health is good, and I have people to exchange messages with or have a coffee. And then there are the great escapes offered by literature, cinema, writing, concerts, exhibitions, or one of those afternoons that stretch endlessly at Vips with a couple of chocolate milkshakes with whipped cream or a café con leche…
But I still have that fear inside me, that things may change, my health may worsen, and then that fifth horseman will reach me fully…
Loneliness…
#hoylunes,#fernando_codina,
